Relationship: Thank you, Gail, it's so nice to be back.

GS: Well, your last appearance, I have to say, left most of us more confused than enlightened about how to go about making our relationships functional. You had no road maps for us, no operating instructions, just some kind of wild-eyed advice about trusting our instincts. And when I asked you whether you at least had any instructional aids, you said of course — dolphins! Which totally made no sense — you should have seen the phone lines light up after that show. Everyone felt even more discouraged about how to make their relationships work than before the show.

R: [waving a hand to dismiss all that] Then why'd you invite me back? [smirks] Dolphins are a perfect visual for creating bliss! They're alive in the present, right now, their instincts humming, their skin picking up information from the waves. They move to a rhythm unplanned, allowing for every possibility. Dolphins are pure being, stretching time and space like rubber bands, going off together into realms not visible to the naked eye, where no limits exist and the impossible occurs on a regular basis.

GS: But, see, here you go again — no one knows exactly what any of that means!

R: OK, OK, calm down. Let's go back to square one. Are you personally in a relationship now?

GS: Yes. But it's confusing as hell!

R: And why's that, if you don't mind my asking.

GS: Well, because it's so awkward! Neither one of us knows what in God's name we're doing. Usually, one person takes the lead in a relationship, you know? Which, in my case, means the other person — I've always hidden out and let the guy take that on. But in this one, we're both pretty acquiescent.

R: Have you asked him whether he wants that responsibility? [GS shakes her head sheepishly] Maybe he's waiting for you to step in and do it. Or maybe you can both do it, taking turns. But you have to ask.

GS: See, that's what I mean. In all my old relationships, we didn't talk about any of this stuff because no one wanted to — that's way too weird — we just took on our roles and assumed the positions. That's how we knew who we were supposed to be. Right now, we're stuck in the exact same place our parents got stuck, his and mine — where it's too scary to be your whole, alive self so you just both dumb yourselves down. We're like those deadpan zombies from Night of the Living Dead with each other: way too careful and contained and circling. It's an effort just to remember to laugh!

R: You could always just call it quits, you know.

GS: But I don't want to! He's my best friend. And, besides, some parts are exquisite — I just want to feel that way all the time.

R: So you've reached an impasse, eh? Where, even though you were ragingly attracted to each other initially, it's too scary to be yourselves. Why? What's so scary about it?

GS: Well, I'm always afraid he'll judge me for who I really am. And he's probably afraid of the same thing — that I'll judge him. Which I wouldn't.

R: [skeptical] You wouldn't?

GS: Well, OK, maybe sometimes. All right, I do! I judge him! It's just because sometimes I feel like we're in a play together and he's suddenly saying the wrong lines. And he doesn't get it that he is, and then I'm supposed to improvise —

R: And that makes you terrified that you've dug yourself into the same old hole one more time, mistaking a frog for the prince, right? And he's terrified of the same thing. But you see, of course, that you're perfect for each other, don't you? He's your perfect mirror! Everything you're judging him for in your head is something you do, too. And it's the same for him — you're both projecting your shadows all over each other. That's the place your parents got stuck. That's why they feel scared and gypped. But you don't have to stay trapped there. It's time for the fun part.

GS: I don't know if I'm capable of any fun parts anymore, to tell you the truth. I just feel so discouraged and stupid. And self-conscious. [stares disconsolately at her feet; the audience rustles uneasily] Uh [collects herself, straightens up, attempts a smile for the camera], we should actually pause here for a station break —

R: [laughs gaily] Let's not and say we did. Now, self-consciousness sounds like an excellent place to start. Your parents live there! That's why you can't find any way out of that trap — either one of you — why it feels like trying to punch your way out of a pillowcase, because you never saw anyone get loose of it. Your parents never got to be natural or spontaneous with each other, the poor dears. They've always been too on guard, constantly judging themselves as not being good enough for the other, and making that be the other person's fault, somehow; judging what the other one just said, taking everything that happens between them personally, and weighing in their heads what the best payback response would be. Instead of getting to enjoy each other, or even know who the other person really is, that person becomes the enemy. Sound familiar?

GS: [examines fingernails]

R: Hello? [pause; looks askance at audience] Gail? [still no response; R begins singing gently] "Would you like to swing on a star / Carry moonbeams home in a jar / And be better off than you are / Or would you rather be a pig?" [GS smiles shyly; looks up] Attagirl!

So here's the fun part: instead of submitting to the terrible undertow and ending up hating and resenting each other, you get to break the spell.

GS: [softly] How?

R: Well, first off, stop pretending. The goal here is authenticity, remember? You two made that agreement with each other way back at the very start. So catch yourself. Let's say something really exciting happened to you and you're trying to tell him about it that night, but you can tell he's not really listening. He's distracted, bored, and you're starting to feel all the air go out of you. You kind of hurry up the rest of the story and then abruptly change the subject. Maybe he notices and asks some question going back to your story, but it feels obligatory to you and, anyway, it's too late, you decide. So now you're feeling like you don't matter very much and you're bristling with resentment; meanwhile he's totally confused. What usually happens from here?

GS: Well, I guess I get really quiet and he complains about some driver who cut him off, and we eat dinner just sort of making conversation, and I'm the one who's bored now. I start hoping he'll go home soon, which will just prove what I'm already feeling — that he's not really that interested in me — and then I can call a friend and tell them the story of the exciting thing that happened to me that day.

R: Have you ever watched yourself as if you were the main character in a movie?

GS: What?

R: Like in this scenario we just made up. You're the main character, so we in the audience know that you're sitting beside him at the table feeling unappreciated, invisible. We thought that was a great story you'd been telling him! We want you to get it, too, how much fun it is to listen to you being all excited, your eyes shining. "Unslump yourself, Gail!" we're telling you in our hearts. "Come back!" And, since you're in the audience with us, you're totally on your side, too. You're right in there, rooting for yourself. What you want more than anything else in that moment is to see yourself sit back up in the chair, look him straight in the eye, and say, "Hey! You know why I quit telling you my story? Because it looked like you couldn't care less. Was that true?"

GS: Oh, I don't think I could say that! I mean, that's so naked.

R: Well, isn't that what authenticity is? Naked, real, vulnerable, unguarded? It's the only way, short of starting a fight, to break the spell.

GS: Oh. Kind of like lifting the needle off the record.

R: (Careful — you're showing your age.) And you know what his response would be? It wouldn't be what you're afraid it would be —that, yes, he was just bored by your story — I can guarantee you that. What he'd actually say if you asked is that it wasn't such a great day for him, maybe — something got screwed up at work, his truck's making that scraping noise again — or maybe he's worried about his mom or he's jealous because why do all the good things always happen to you and not to him?

GS: So every time I can catch myself in an old pattern, where I feel sad or angry or pushed aside, I should try to see it as a movie I'm watching? And that's how I can turn it around?

R: [raising his eyebrows at the audience] By Jove, I think she's got it! [turning back to GS] Yes, because then you're being your own witness, standing off to the side, and you can see that this isn't what's really happening — it's just some old false belief you were raised with. And you see yourself as the dear, heroic sweetheart you really are — that we each really are! — and you act out of that person's best interests. And then, once again, you're back in the pure being place with the dolphins, where —

GS [reciting with him] "no limits exist and the impossible occurs on a regular basis."

R: The key to this whole thing is not to doubt yourselves. You're doing some really vital making-the-transition work right now, for the whole human race. Think of it as the meek shall inherit the earth, only better, because you both have such wickedly irreverent senses of humor. Be grateful to yourself for having the courage to take on something of this magnitude.

GS: That reminds me of something you mentioned at the beginning of the show tonight. You keep saying we're supposed to be using dolphins as our instructional aides, but they seem so way beyond us, like how could we ever possibly emulate them? How do dolphins allow for every possibility?

R: Pretty mirthfully, really. You know that little smile that's perpetually on a dolphin's face? And that wild, free-flowing way they dance on their tails across the waves, throwing their whole bodies into it? That's pretty crazy, right? How do they do it? Just by saying why not, setting all doubts aside, and having fun trying. Works every time. If they thought about what might happen if they risked somehow hefting their considerable weight vertically like that and then balancing, dancing, on their tails, not to mention how foolish they might look to another more serious and dignified dolphin, they'd fall flat on their noses in a second.

You're no different in that respect from dolphins. Open up your imaginations. Give this gift of pure being to yourselves and then to the rest of us by throwing yourselves wholeheartedly into whatever appeals to you with each other. You won't fall, believe me. Lead the way, O mighty, righteous humans. [pulls out pocket watch] Goodness, look at the time! [and, flipping the watch in the air and catching it, R rises and deftly tap-dances out of the studio]




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	Right now, we're stuck in the exact same place our parents got stuck — where it's too scary to be your whole, alive self so you just both dumb yourselves down. I Love Me Another Interview with Relationship by Gail Snyder ail Snyder: Hi, and welcome to our show, Life in a Blender. I'm your host, Gail Snyder, and tonight our featured guest is that old familiar face, the lead character in films, songs and theater, the stuff dreams are made of — please join me in welcoming back our erstwhile friend Relationship! [applause] Relationship: Thank you, Gail, it's so nice to be back. GS: Well, your last appearance, I have to say, left most of us more confused than enlightened about how to go about making our relationships functional. You had no road maps for us, no operating instructions, just some kind of wild-eyed advice about trusting our instincts. And when I asked you whether you at least had any instructional aids, you said of course — dolphins! Which totally made no sense — you should have seen the phone lines light up after that show. Everyone felt even more discouraged about how to make their relationships work than before the show. R: [waving a hand to dismiss all that] Then why'd you invite me back? [smirks] Dolphins are a perfect visual for creating bliss! They're alive in the present, right now, their instincts humming, their skin picking up information from the waves. They move to a rhythm unplanned, allowing for every possibility. Dolphins are pure being, stretching time and space like rubber bands, going off together into realms not visible to the naked eye, where no limits exist and the impossible occurs on a regular basis. GS: But, see, here you go again — no one knows exactly what any of that means! R: OK, OK, calm down. Let's go back to square one. Are you personally in a relationship now? GS: Yes. But it's confusing as hell! R: And why's that, if you don't mind my asking. GS: Well, because it's so awkward! Neither one of us knows what in God's name we're doing. Usually, one person takes the lead in a relationship, you know? Which, in my case, means the other person — I've always hidden out and let the guy take that on. But in this one, we're both pretty acquiescent. R: Have you asked him whether he wants that responsibility? [GS shakes her head sheepishly] Maybe he's waiting for you to step in and do it. Or maybe you can both do it, taking turns. But you have to ask. GS: See, that's what I mean. In all my old relationships, we didn't talk about any of this stuff because no one wanted to — that's way too weird — we just took on our roles and assumed the positions. That's how we knew who we were supposed to be. Right now, we're stuck in the exact same place our parents got stuck, his and mine — where it's too scary to be your whole, alive self so you just both dumb yourselves down. We're like those deadpan zombies from Night of the Living Dead with each other: way too careful and contained and circling. It's an effort just to remember to laugh! R: You could always just call it quits, you know. GS: But I don't want to! He's my best friend. And, besides, some parts are exquisite — I just want to feel that way all the time. R: So you've reached an impasse, eh? Where, even though you were ragingly attracted to each other initially, it's too scary to be yourselves. Why? What's so scary about it? GS: Well, I'm always afraid he'll judge me for who I really am. And he's probably afraid of the same thing — that I'll judge him. Which I wouldn't. R: [skeptical] You wouldn't? GS: Well, OK, maybe sometimes. All right, I do! I judge him! It's just because sometimes I feel like we're in a play together and he's suddenly saying the wrong lines. And he doesn't get it that he is, and then I'm supposed to improvise — R: And that makes you terrified that you've dug yourself into the same old hole one more time, mistaking a frog for the prince, right? And he's terrified of the same thing. But you see, of course, that you're perfect for each other, don't you? He's your perfect mirror! Everything you're judging him for in your head is something you do, too. And it's the same for him — you're both projecting your shadows all over each other. That's the place your parents got stuck. That's why they feel scared and gypped. But you don't have to stay trapped there. It's time for the fun part. GS: I don't know if I'm capable of any fun parts anymore, to tell you the truth. I just feel so discouraged and stupid. And self-conscious. [stares disconsolately at her feet; the audience rustles uneasily] Uh [collects herself, straightens up, attempts a smile for the camera], we should actually pause here for a station break — R: [laughs gaily] Let's not and say we did. Now, self-consciousness sounds like an excellent place to start. Your parents live there! That's why you can't find any way out of that trap — either one of you — why it feels like trying to punch your way out of a pillowcase, because you never saw anyone get loose of it. Your parents never got to be natural or spontaneous with each other, the poor dears. They've always been too on guard, constantly judging themselves as not being good enough for the other, and making that be the other person's fault, somehow; judging what the other one just said, taking everything that happens between them personally, and weighing in their heads what the best payback response would be. Instead of getting to enjoy each other, or even know who the other person really is, that person becomes the enemy. Sound familiar? GS: [examines fingernails] R: Hello? [pause; looks askance at audience] Gail? [still no response; R begins singing gently] "Would you like to swing on a star / Carry moonbeams home in a jar / And be better off than you are / Or would you rather be a pig?" [GS smiles shyly; looks up] Attagirl! So here's the fun part: instead of submitting to the terrible undertow and ending up hating and resenting each other, you get to break the spell. GS: [softly] How? R: Well, first off, stop pretending. The goal here is authenticity, remember? You two made that agreement with each other way back at the very start. So catch yourself. Let's say something really exciting happened to you and you're trying to tell him about it that night, but you can tell he's not really listening. He's distracted, bored, and you're starting to feel all the air go out of you. You kind of hurry up the rest of the story and then abruptly change the subject. Maybe he notices and asks some question going back to your story, but it feels obligatory to you and, anyway, it's too late, you decide. So now you're feeling like you don't matter very much and you're bristling with resentment; meanwhile he's totally confused. What usually happens from here? GS: Well, I guess I get really quiet and he complains about some driver who cut him off, and we eat dinner just sort of making conversation, and I'm the one who's bored now. I start hoping he'll go home soon, which will just prove what I'm already feeling — that he's not really that interested in me — and then I can call a friend and tell them the story of the exciting thing that happened to me that day. R: Have you ever watched yourself as if you were the main character in a movie? GS: What? R: Like in this scenario we just made up. You're the main character, so we in the audience know that you're sitting beside him at the table feeling unappreciated, invisible. We thought that was a great story you'd been telling him! We want you to get it, too, how much fun it is to listen to you being all excited, your eyes shining. "Unslump yourself, Gail!" we're telling you in our hearts. "Come back!" And, since you're in the audience with us, you're totally on your side, too. You're right in there, rooting for yourself. What you want more than anything else in that moment is to see yourself sit back up in the chair, look him straight in the eye, and say, "Hey! You know why I quit telling you my story? Because it looked like you couldn't care less. Was that true?" GS: Oh, I don't think I could say that! I mean, that's so naked. R: Well, isn't that what authenticity is? Naked, real, vulnerable, unguarded? It's the only way, short of starting a fight, to break the spell. GS: Oh. Kind of like lifting the needle off the record. R: (Careful — you're showing your age.) And you know what his response would be? It wouldn't be what you're afraid it would be —that, yes, he was just bored by your story — I can guarantee you that. What he'd actually say if you asked is that it wasn't such a great day for him, maybe — something got screwed up at work, his truck's making that scraping noise again — or maybe he's worried about his mom or he's jealous because why do all the good things always happen to you and not to him? GS: So every time I can catch myself in an old pattern, where I feel sad or angry or pushed aside, I should try to see it as a movie I'm watching? And that's how I can turn it around? R: [raising his eyebrows at the audience] By Jove, I think she's got it! [turning back to GS] Yes, because then you're being your own witness, standing off to the side, and you can see that this isn't what's really happening — it's just some old false belief you were raised with. And you see yourself as the dear, heroic sweetheart you really are — that we each really are! — and you act out of that person's best interests. And then, once again, you're back in the pure being place with the dolphins, where — GS [reciting with him] "no limits exist and the impossible occurs on a regular basis." R: The key to this whole thing is not to doubt yourselves. You're doing some really vital making-the-transition work right now, for the whole human race. Think of it as the meek shall inherit the earth, only better, because you both have such wickedly irreverent senses of humor. Be grateful to yourself for having the courage to take on something of this magnitude. GS: That reminds me of something you mentioned at the beginning of the show tonight. You keep saying we're supposed to be using dolphins as our instructional aides, but they seem so way beyond us, like how could we ever possibly emulate them? How do dolphins allow for every possibility? R: Pretty mirthfully, really. You know that little smile that's perpetually on a dolphin's face? And that wild, free-flowing way they dance on their tails across the waves, throwing their whole bodies into it? That's pretty crazy, right? How do they do it? Just by saying why not, setting all doubts aside, and having fun trying. Works every time. If they thought about what might happen if they risked somehow hefting their considerable weight vertically like that and then balancing, dancing, on their tails, not to mention how foolish they might look to another more serious and dignified dolphin, they'd fall flat on their noses in a second. You're no different in that respect from dolphins. Open up your imaginations. Give this gift of pure being to yourselves and then to the rest of us by throwing yourselves wholeheartedly into whatever appeals to you with each other. You won't fall, believe me. Lead the way, O mighty, righteous humans. [pulls out pocket watch] Goodness, look at the time! [and, flipping the watch in the air and catching it, R rises and deftly tap-dances out of the studio]