In this kind of a stalemate situation life’s trumpeting, impossible-to-ignore wake-up calls can be a unique kind of blessing.

A Beginner’s First Steps on the Path of Self-Love

by Linda Braun

You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

-- The Buddha

icture summertime in a small American town where over a dozen elder women are following what’s become an ongoing tradition of coming together for several weeks to make a quilt. Their lives have long been entwined as friends and family. Returning to spend the summer with them is one of their twentysomething nieces, who, while engaged to be married, is having second thoughts about it. Rather than coming to quilt, she’s there to finish her thesis and sort things out. This quilt will be a wedding gift for her.

So opens the story of the movie How to Make an American Quilt. Once everyone has arrived and settled in, the somewhat stern yet omnipotent quilt mistress, played by poet and author Maya Angelou, presents them with their assignment: each woman’s square of the quilt is to depict the place where love resides for her.

For most of the women this is not an easy task to embrace. In order to authentically engage with and fulfill this assignment, each one must journey back through her life and sift through her mix of experiences with love. For most the love was tied to another person, and like any good romance story, its initial bloom was rich and full of passion. Nearly all of the women married the one they loved, and their lives moved forward in all kinds of ways: children were born, jobs were gained and lost, assorted struggles arose, infidelities occurred, hurts festered and sorrows grew until somehow, for most of them, love was pushed aside, denied, forgotten, lost.

We see some of the pains they struggle with expressed in their sporadically harsh and hurtful comments to each other. Even while kindness isn’t always the operative flavor within this group, there seems to be a deep enough container of shared love and trust to carry them through this vulnerable inner journey. Perhaps their willingness to persevere is fueled as well by that essential aspect of our human nature that always seeks healing and resolution for the pains we’ve suffered.

As each woman relives these chapters of her life with the intention of finding where love resides inside herself, each is able to acknowledge the love that was there, grieve her losses, reconcile her anger, and find forgiveness and acceptance for herself and her partner. Finally bringing healing to these previously unresolved wounds allows each woman to emerge anew: softer, kinder and more connected to herself and others; more relaxed and at peace with herself and life as it is; and readier to dive in again with laughter and joy a much bigger part of her life.

Their transformations remind me of our vital nature, so readily expressed when we first enter this human life: each a potent being full of love, radiating our divinity, sensitive and perceptive, ready to engage and connect with ourselves and those around us. I’m still in awe of the fact that these qualities are so connected to the truth of who we are. And I’m equally in awe that even with this unalterable truth, assorted hurts, confusions and less-than-useful behaviors take their place in us, eventually leading to the accumulation of enough disconnects that we soon have ample reason to part ways with this amazing reality with which we’re all born.

While I’ve longed for many years to let go of the false thoughts, self-created stories and abundant hurts I carry -- all of which perpetuate my struggle of separation from both my little self and the all-encompassing One -- I’ve also had enough fear in place to kept me from moving forward toward this realm of love in any steady or committed fashion. It’s so easy to lapse back into my well-grooved habits, like believing that the repetitions of my mind are the guiding forces for me to attend to while I simply loose sight of the fact that a far greater consciousness exists that’s vastly deeper, wider, knowing and a lot more truth- and love-based than my little recordings. And so I’ve danced for many years back and forth, dabbling with opening to Spirit and love but never daring to give it my all -- quietly trying to manage the struggles that inevitably arise when my mind rules.

In this kind of a stalemate situation life’s trumpeting, impossible-to-ignore wake-up calls can be a unique kind of blessing. The last14 years of my life have been full of them, and their flavor is always health oriented: two rounds of breast cancer and a technically benign but highly aggressive tumor in my left orbit that, despite numerous surgeries, just won’t quit. I never would have chosen this arduous course, but like most healing crises it’s brought forth valuable learning and change.

Despite the ruthless ongoing pattern of it all, I seem to return from each episode eager and ready to keep on living. After the first wake-up call I was quick to improve and refine my diet, take lots of supplements, exercise regularly and pursue "alternative" healing modalities. Most of this was and still is easy for me, and even with my frequent recurrences I honestly believe that living life this way continues to yield positive results in my overall health and vitality.

What’s been a considerably harder door for me to open is my own inner sense of knowing that my real work is to embark on a much deeper level of healing -- whether it ever frees me from these maladies or not. This level of work involves doing exactly what the Buddha prescribes at the start of this article: embracing love and affection for myself, to which I’d add lots of forgiveness. When I first came upon this quote, I was utterly surprised that it was spoken by the great Buddha. Granted, I didn’t and still don’t know much about his teachings -- it just seemed curious to me that such a renowned teacher of unconditional compassion for all sentient beings would state that we should focus on giving love and affection to ourselves. Up until very recently that suggestion has always been wildly unappealing to me, seeming exceedingly self-indulgent and, therefore, clearly an unimportant part of the love equation.

But the latest round of radiation to my head, being cut open and stitched back together again, the loss of precious parts, and debilitating chemotherapy has been a potent catalyst for change this time -- I feel like I have surrendered enough to disease and its losses. I want my life, and I want a new ferocity for myself with which to claim this life. What had previously appeared as separate medical events I’d managed to "win" each time now looked like an ongoing, dangerous path yielding serious and cumulatively debilitating outcomes. It was scary to think that perhaps I’d never beat this, no matter what I did; and while going through it over and over again makes it all more familiar, it certainly doesn’t make it any easier. I knew nothing would guarantee me an escape from this ongoing health hell, but I also knew that I wanted more -- lots more -- for myself now.

With the new year only a few days away, I decided to take on the experiment of making January 2008 a month of learning and practicing how to embrace love and kindness for myself. I rolled up my sleeves and started listening to the previously denied but ever-present, ever-loving voice inside me: "You’re tired -- how about a short nap now?" "It’s been a long day -- let’s relax with a cup of hot tea." "Let’s take a walk -- you’ve worked long enough." What I’ve found is that saying yes to her simple suggestions steers me effortlessly out of a would be dead-end situation into a wider, softer, more nourishing realm. And once there -- I’m not sure there are words to describe this -- other things just start to shift. I notice the breath in my body and it’s not long before I’m reconnected with my selves, little and big. It’s like whatever struggle was playing has melted, and I’m just organically unfolding and finding my way back to the present moment and to love.

Knowing my well-worn tendency to wander off this path of self-love, I began accepting and creating a flavorful field of support made up of friends, healing practitioners and spirit guides. I chose to make a commitment to partake in my healing activities daily, regardless of whether I wanted to or not. For emotional support, the co-counseling process and community in which I’ve participated for many years provides me with a safe and loving realm where I can work on all of the feelings that come up along the way.

People and opportunities offering guidance and information continue to present themselves. This time it’s easier for me to keep my fear and judgment from running interference and instead to open and say yes to who they are and what they have to share. I’m noticing that -- lo and behold! -- without my walls of fear and judgment, I’m able to participate in a much deeper level of connection, caring, love and trust.

One of my new allies observed that my nervous system seemed akin to a Mazzarati that had been long overdriven and poorly maintained. I knew just what she meant, as I was both the faulty driver and the resultant vehicle. With her suggestions I created short and simple mantras for myself to steadily interrupt my ridiculous pattern of wanting to achieve radical long-term changes within nanoseconds of time. I often find myself needing to stop and breathe and remind myself to go slow as I simultaneously reassure myself that everything is all right just as it is. Slowing down feels so good: my whole body relaxes and comes back to itself, my mind settles, and a bigger piece of reality reemerges. And for me, who always thought the only choices were all or nothing, it’s lovely to be experiencing that just a little bit of the right stuff can be wonderfully potent and nourishing.

And then there’s accepting wherever I’m at -- real deep-belly joyous acceptance -- whether I’m utterly wiped out, feeling like a moldy vegetable, cranky, happy, indecisive, inspired or just plain blah. Previously, my way of "accepting" was to figure out what I was feeling, and then if it didn’t fit my momentary picture of right or appropriate, I’d do some good, honest work to change it. Not quite the same as just being with what is and letting what is just be. I’m far from accepting myself unequivocally now, but endless opportunities are affording me constant practice time.

I’m amazed that saying yes in these many different ways allows for my experience to shift so easily. Maybe with willingness in place, everything becomes flexible and nothing is, or ever really was, stuck or hard or difficult.

And so I live each day curiously pursuing my beginner path of self-love. Some days I’m right in tune, others I’m way off. Some days I just don’t want to, while on others it’s the most delicious invitation I’ve ever tasted. It certainly helps to have a base of ongoing intention and steady support to which to return. I like the feeling of getting a little wider, deeper, rounder. Even in my early stages on this path of self-love, I’ve come to realize it’s light-years from the petty path of self-indulgence and isolation I’d always assumed it to be. Instead, I’m finding it to be more a path of reconnecting with myself and reconnecting with the realm where truth and love reside. Once again I’m reminded of the women in the movie, their inner healing journeys, and the way each one glows having refound love with and for herself -- each a circle at long last completed. May it be so for all of us.




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	In this kind of a stalemate situation life’s trumpeting, impossible-to-ignore wake-up calls can be a unique kind of blessing. A Beginner’s First Steps on the Path of Self-Love by Linda Braun You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -- The Buddha icture summertime in a small American town where over a dozen elder women are following what’s become an ongoing tradition of coming together for several weeks to make a quilt. Their lives have long been entwined as friends and family. Returning to spend the summer with them is one of their twentysomething nieces, who, while engaged to be married, is having second thoughts about it. Rather than coming to quilt, she’s there to finish her thesis and sort things out. This quilt will be a wedding gift for her. So opens the story of the movie How to Make an American Quilt. Once everyone has arrived and settled in, the somewhat stern yet omnipotent quilt mistress, played by poet and author Maya Angelou, presents them with their assignment: each woman’s square of the quilt is to depict the place where love resides for her. For most of the women this is not an easy task to embrace. In order to authentically engage with and fulfill this assignment, each one must journey back through her life and sift through her mix of experiences with love. For most the love was tied to another person, and like any good romance story, its initial bloom was rich and full of passion. Nearly all of the women married the one they loved, and their lives moved forward in all kinds of ways: children were born, jobs were gained and lost, assorted struggles arose, infidelities occurred, hurts festered and sorrows grew until somehow, for most of them, love was pushed aside, denied, forgotten, lost. We see some of the pains they struggle with expressed in their sporadically harsh and hurtful comments to each other. Even while kindness isn’t always the operative flavor within this group, there seems to be a deep enough container of shared love and trust to carry them through this vulnerable inner journey. Perhaps their willingness to persevere is fueled as well by that essential aspect of our human nature that always seeks healing and resolution for the pains we’ve suffered. As each woman relives these chapters of her life with the intention of finding where love resides inside herself, each is able to acknowledge the love that was there, grieve her losses, reconcile her anger, and find forgiveness and acceptance for herself and her partner. Finally bringing healing to these previously unresolved wounds allows each woman to emerge anew: softer, kinder and more connected to herself and others; more relaxed and at peace with herself and life as it is; and readier to dive in again with laughter and joy a much bigger part of her life. Their transformations remind me of our vital nature, so readily expressed when we first enter this human life: each a potent being full of love, radiating our divinity, sensitive and perceptive, ready to engage and connect with ourselves and those around us. I’m still in awe of the fact that these qualities are so connected to the truth of who we are. And I’m equally in awe that even with this unalterable truth, assorted hurts, confusions and less-than-useful behaviors take their place in us, eventually leading to the accumulation of enough disconnects that we soon have ample reason to part ways with this amazing reality with which we’re all born. While I’ve longed for many years to let go of the false thoughts, self-created stories and abundant hurts I carry -- all of which perpetuate my struggle of separation from both my little self and the all-encompassing One -- I’ve also had enough fear in place to kept me from moving forward toward this realm of love in any steady or committed fashion. It’s so easy to lapse back into my well-grooved habits, like believing that the repetitions of my mind are the guiding forces for me to attend to while I simply loose sight of the fact that a far greater consciousness exists that’s vastly deeper, wider, knowing and a lot more truth- and love-based than my little recordings. And so I’ve danced for many years back and forth, dabbling with opening to Spirit and love but never daring to give it my all -- quietly trying to manage the struggles that inevitably arise when my mind rules. In this kind of a stalemate situation life’s trumpeting, impossible-to-ignore wake-up calls can be a unique kind of blessing. The last14 years of my life have been full of them, and their flavor is always health oriented: two rounds of breast cancer and a technically benign but highly aggressive tumor in my left orbit that, despite numerous surgeries, just won’t quit. I never would have chosen this arduous course, but like most healing crises it’s brought forth valuable learning and change. Despite the ruthless ongoing pattern of it all, I seem to return from each episode eager and ready to keep on living. After the first wake-up call I was quick to improve and refine my diet, take lots of supplements, exercise regularly and pursue "alternative" healing modalities. Most of this was and still is easy for me, and even with my frequent recurrences I honestly believe that living life this way continues to yield positive results in my overall health and vitality. What’s been a considerably harder door for me to open is my own inner sense of knowing that my real work is to embark on a much deeper level of healing -- whether it ever frees me from these maladies or not. This level of work involves doing exactly what the Buddha prescribes at the start of this article: embracing love and affection for myself, to which I’d add lots of forgiveness. When I first came upon this quote, I was utterly surprised that it was spoken by the great Buddha. Granted, I didn’t and still don’t know much about his teachings -- it just seemed curious to me that such a renowned teacher of unconditional compassion for all sentient beings would state that we should focus on giving love and affection to ourselves. Up until very recently that suggestion has always been wildly unappealing to me, seeming exceedingly self-indulgent and, therefore, clearly an unimportant part of the love equation. But the latest round of radiation to my head, being cut open and stitched back together again, the loss of precious parts, and debilitating chemotherapy has been a potent catalyst for change this time -- I feel like I have surrendered enough to disease and its losses. I want my life, and I want a new ferocity for myself with which to claim this life. What had previously appeared as separate medical events I’d managed to "win" each time now looked like an ongoing, dangerous path yielding serious and cumulatively debilitating outcomes. It was scary to think that perhaps I’d never beat this, no matter what I did; and while going through it over and over again makes it all more familiar, it certainly doesn’t make it any easier. I knew nothing would guarantee me an escape from this ongoing health hell, but I also knew that I wanted more -- lots more -- for myself now. With the new year only a few days away, I decided to take on the experiment of making January 2008 a month of learning and practicing how to embrace love and kindness for myself. I rolled up my sleeves and started listening to the previously denied but ever-present, ever-loving voice inside me: "You’re tired -- how about a short nap now?" "It’s been a long day -- let’s relax with a cup of hot tea." "Let’s take a walk -- you’ve worked long enough." What I’ve found is that saying yes to her simple suggestions steers me effortlessly out of a would be dead-end situation into a wider, softer, more nourishing realm. And once there -- I’m not sure there are words to describe this -- other things just start to shift. I notice the breath in my body and it’s not long before I’m reconnected with my selves, little and big. It’s like whatever struggle was playing has melted, and I’m just organically unfolding and finding my way back to the present moment and to love. Knowing my well-worn tendency to wander off this path of self-love, I began accepting and creating a flavorful field of support made up of friends, healing practitioners and spirit guides. I chose to make a commitment to partake in my healing activities daily, regardless of whether I wanted to or not. For emotional support, the co-counseling process and community in which I’ve participated for many years provides me with a safe and loving realm where I can work on all of the feelings that come up along the way. People and opportunities offering guidance and information continue to present themselves. This time it’s easier for me to keep my fear and judgment from running interference and instead to open and say yes to who they are and what they have to share. I’m noticing that -- lo and behold! -- without my walls of fear and judgment, I’m able to participate in a much deeper level of connection, caring, love and trust. One of my new allies observed that my nervous system seemed akin to a Mazzarati that had been long overdriven and poorly maintained. I knew just what she meant, as I was both the faulty driver and the resultant vehicle. With her suggestions I created short and simple mantras for myself to steadily interrupt my ridiculous pattern of wanting to achieve radical long-term changes within nanoseconds of time. I often find myself needing to stop and breathe and remind myself to go slow as I simultaneously reassure myself that everything is all right just as it is. Slowing down feels so good: my whole body relaxes and comes back to itself, my mind settles, and a bigger piece of reality reemerges. And for me, who always thought the only choices were all or nothing, it’s lovely to be experiencing that just a little bit of the right stuff can be wonderfully potent and nourishing. And then there’s accepting wherever I’m at -- real deep-belly joyous acceptance -- whether I’m utterly wiped out, feeling like a moldy vegetable, cranky, happy, indecisive, inspired or just plain blah. Previously, my way of "accepting" was to figure out what I was feeling, and then if it didn’t fit my momentary picture of right or appropriate, I’d do some good, honest work to change it. Not quite the same as just being with what is and letting what is just be. I’m far from accepting myself unequivocally now, but endless opportunities are affording me constant practice time. I’m amazed that saying yes in these many different ways allows for my experience to shift so easily. Maybe with willingness in place, everything becomes flexible and nothing is, or ever really was, stuck or hard or difficult. And so I live each day curiously pursuing my beginner path of self-love. Some days I’m right in tune, others I’m way off. Some days I just don’t want to, while on others it’s the most delicious invitation I’ve ever tasted. It certainly helps to have a base of ongoing intention and steady support to which to return. I like the feeling of getting a little wider, deeper, rounder. Even in my early stages on this path of self-love, I’ve come to realize it’s light-years from the petty path of self-indulgence and isolation I’d always assumed it to be. Instead, I’m finding it to be more a path of reconnecting with myself and reconnecting with the realm where truth and love reside. Once again I’m reminded of the women in the movie, their inner healing journeys, and the way each one glows having refound love with and for herself -- each a circle at long last completed. May it be so for all of us.