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Staying True to Love When Things Get Tough

It’s become a Sun tradition that every February we explore the element of love. Over the years we’ve presented a number of different writers describing the many flavors and aspects of love as they’ve experienced it. This time we were curious to get down to the day-to-day nitty-gritty of how couples face and deal with the things they find difficult in their relationship. Difficulty could encompass anything from someone’s failure to take out the garbage without constant reminding to a partner’s or one’s own addiction, differing viewpoints, or anything else that might get in the way and create obstacles. All three pairs who volunteered were asked to write their piece together, which might be a challenging task in and of itself. Full of courage they dove in, and what follows are their unique perspectives and responses.

Love in the Limelight

by Dr. Catherine and Rev. Bernardo Monserrat

e first met each other 32 years ago when we were in graduate school and became connected by our similar philosophical and spiritual quests. This was aided by a strong mutual physical attraction that has lasted to this day. Like most couples, we have faced the challenges of childrearing, financial concerns, intimacy, connectedness and extended family. Last summer, we joyfully celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary with our two children and three grandchildren.

Fortunately, we share a similar viewpoint regarding the meaning and purpose of life. This has helped us through many difficult times. We enjoy spending time together as playmates and friends. Our commitment to each other, our relationship and our personal growth has been the cornerstones of our relationship.

Shortly after we married, Bernardo announced that he had been “called to the ministry.” Having grown up with a number of ministers’ families, Catherine was well acquainted with the challenges and demands of this lifestyle. Bernardo’s news created quite a dilemma within her. On the one hand, she wanted to support him. On the other, she feared what impact his profession would have on their children, their lifestyle and ultimately, their marriage. She did not relish the idea of feeling confined by a role or a religious philosophy.

The first years of our marriage were spent learning each other’s communication styles, accommodating family patterns and raising the children. This created a foundation upon which we could discuss the challenges we would face once Bernardo entered the ministry. He decided to enter ministerial school after the children had finished high school. While he was studying, Catherine worked on her PhD in clinical psychology.

When we had completed our studies, we carefully chose where we would exercise our professions. We picked Santa Fe because of its charm and the proximity to family and the culture in which we were both raised. Bernardo became the senior minister at the Religious Science Center, while Catherine started a private therapy practice and teaching career.

Living in Santa Fe as a “minister couple” has brought challenges that neither of us expected. The ministerial life catapulted us into a public life that has been quite astonishing. Nearly everywhere we go, someone knows us. Our lives seem to be under a microscope. Members of our congregation attribute all sorts of qualities to us, jointly or separately, that are either accurate or not. It is extremely challenging to identify what information to share in public and what to keep private. We have differing perspectives on the issue of privacy, and it has been the subject of repeated discussions. For example, Bernardo often shares personal details in his lectures in order to illustrate a point. Catherine has asked that he consult with her before he talks about her or their marriage. In addition, Catherine has become accustomed to the public exposure that accompanies our lifestyle. We work as a team to preserve our privacy while still fulfilling our professional obligations.

Overall our lives flow pretty well, but it has not been easy to get here. In the beginning, Bernardo worked almost every night and had numerous functions on the weekends. He was delighted with his new ministry, but had little time or energy for anything else. Finding an evening to spend together during those first few years was nearly impossible. The relationship came close to starvation. It is said that a minister is “married” to his congregation, and initially that seemed to be true. Catherine also tried to attend everything as well as develop her own professional and personal life. That proved to be both unworkable and exhausting.

To address these issues has required tremendous growth on both of our parts. Our upbringing and traditional societal expectations defined our roles as “minister in the limelight” and “minister’s wife as support person.” However, we have discovered that these definitions are no longer applicable. We have each had to discern for ourselves, and as a couple, which of these expectations we can accept and which are not appropriate for us. Clearly, this is an ongoing process, requiring that we remain conscious as life presents new opportunities and new challenges.

We have learned that love is more than a feeling — it is a behavior. On a practical level, we have had to work hard to protect our love, prioritizing the relationship and making clear agreements regarding our time together, especially separating home life and work life. We have also learned that it is not possible for both of us to show up for all the events that are presented to us. We let each other know which ones are really important to share and which ones we can attend on our own. This has helped in remaining mutually supportive, while keeping expectations more manageable.

At times, our lifestyle is somewhat isolating. Even though we are with people a lot, few have true insight into what the ministerial life entails. Unless someone has walked in these particular shoes, the whole thing can sound a bit bizarre. We have needed perseverance, perspective, faith, respect and humor. And we have needed the support of our close friends! Mostly, we have needed each other. This has left little time for new friendships.

Fortunately, our national church holds an annual retreat for ministers and their partners. This group has proved to be an invaluable support system for us both. Though we see these people only once a year, the connections are strong and support is always available. What a relief it is to hear that others are grappling with similar challenges. To find a group with whom we share a common voyage is a precious gift.

For Bernardo, pursuing the ministry has been a dream come true. He loves his work and will probably continue to do it in some form until the day he dies. Catherine has grown accustomed to the lifestyle. She, too, has carved out a very satisfying life, filled with meaningful activities and relationships that express her social, professional and spiritual values. We have found a balance between our private and public lives. Most important of all, we remain connected and committed to our number one priority: our loving union.

Learning About Happily Ever After

by Barbara Doern Drew & Walter Drew

We believe we have weathered and even thrived through some of the toughest times largely because we have held the relationship to be sacred, an opportunity to grow individually as well as to take our union with another way beyond where we’d ever ventured before.

ur story began 17 years ago when we “accidentally” met in the Albuquerque airport, having the same flights to San Francisco and back three days later. There was a definite fairy-tale element to how it all unfolded over the next few months, and within a year we were married.

Since then, we have had two children, now 15 and 13, lived in nine homes, lost jobs, found our true callings in our careers, witnessed the transitions of both our fathers, participated with our children through 10 different school environments; traveled to many interesting places in Central America and the United States; and confronted significant health and financial issues. What started with magic has continued as an enlivening, challenging, multidimensional adventure.

A second marriage for us both, we are fiercely devoted to its success. We believe we have weathered and even thrived through some of the toughest times largely because we have held the relationship to be sacred, an opportunity to grow individually as well as to take our union with another way beyond where we’d ever ventured before. Early on, we committed to tell the truth, to work at being conscious, and to support one another in realizing our full potential. We are dedicated to open communication and a mutual intention to not holding on to grudges or anger. We may go to bed with an unresolved issue, but we arise each morning saying a positive affirmation that expresses our love for each other. This context enhances our interactions on a daily basis and provides footholds in times of major stress.

Barbara: My biggest challenge has been parenting. A “free-spirit” by nature, I zealously avoided children until I had them in my forties — I was uncomfortable with their unpredictability and the commitment I knew they entailed. But upon meeting Walter, I found myself with a new openness. I envisioned an “ideal” family in which everyone got along and had fun — the opposite of much of my own family experience growing up.

When our second child was 18 months old, I was unexpectedly laid off from the most fulfilling job I’d ever had, and we mutually decided that I would stay home for a period and be a full-time mother. The children were extremely competitive and fought, it felt to me, incessantly, and were demanding in a way that left no time or energy for any of my personal practices that had renewed me over the years. And then came the sudden onset of menopause — usually decades after caretaking toddlers — all of which plummeted me into a depression from which, try as I might, I could not extricate myself. While I still carried on with all my responsibilities, my essential joie de vivre had disappeared.

Walter encouraged me to get counseling, in which he participated when appropriate, and to do things that nourished me such as daily journaling, which became a life raft in an ocean of chaos as I alternated too often between anger and tears. He also created opportunities for us to get away from the relentless demands of the family. When I resignedly agreed to a stint on an antidepressant, he was there by my side, compassionate and patient, and covered for me with the children when I faltered. He supported me in finding ways to bring peace and balance back into my life, and a year and a half later I — and we — emerged the stronger from the experience.

I still find parenting to be continually challenging. However, we take each situation as it arises and work through it together, whether struggling with our different parenting styles or how to support and cope with our hormonal teenagers.

Walter: Several years ago, the real estate market slowed down. My construction-consulting income dropped; however, our expenses did not. Feelings of inadequacy, poor stewardship and slight panic set in. Access to a home equity loan kept us afloat temporarily. After wrestling with my old thought pattern that I “should” handle this by myself, I sat down with Barbara. We discussed the problem, clarified our values and decided to sell our house to relieve the pressure from the large mortgage. Three weeks later, the house was under contract to be sold. A situation that had all the trappings of personal failure became an opportunity for relationship success.

I continue to grapple with finances and am dealing with recently diagnosed congestive heart failure. Those moments when I think I am drowning, Barbara’s support and perspective buoy my spirit, and together we keep on riding the crest of the waves.

We have an anniversary ritual of going away on a weekend retreat in which, in addition to treating ourselves to relaxing and revitalizing activities, we examine our relationship on many levels, acknowledging the positive things and looking at the tough ones in a context of love and suspended judgment. We work to sidestep the hurt feelings or anger that could be the result of such frank discussions. We often do a tarot reading and take the wisdom we glean from it back into our busy lives.

A most crucial foundation of our relationship is a shared spiritual path. We both regularly use a powerful prayer practice to shed light on difficult situations and to affirm that the highest good is unfolding even when it may not appear to be so in the moment.

Counseling — individual, couple and family — has been a very valuable tool for us over the years. Occasionally we will just go for a session or two to assist us in working through a particularly thorny issue.

A simple thing that keeps us current and connected is regular weekend morning talks over a good cup of coffee. We get up before the kids, settle into comfortable chairs, and delve into what’s “up” that needs our attention, from the mundane to the weighty.

It has been an amazing journey, and we both feel that we are much more whole individuals than when we pledged to join our lives so many years ago and that our relationship continues to deepen and to enrich us. We are in this great adventure of life together for the long haul and are gratefully learning what “living happily ever after” truly means.

Sweet Surrender

by Jeannie Zandi and
Michael Regan

he invitation to write about dealing with struggles in intimate relationship invoked a few epiphanies and challenges that are still speaking to us as we put the final touches on this article. The writing of it took a backseat to all that clamored forth to be acknowledged and experienced by us along the way. As the deadline approached, we respectfully made our way through bringing our two voices together, questioning how much to reveal about our personal histories and situations, what to say and how to say it. In the end, we had to be willing to have no article come forth in order to rediscover how important humility and surrender are for us in the quality of human experience and relating.

We do not speak or think of ourselves as having a relationship, despite the fact of living together with a child (Jeannie’s). For us relationship is not a goal, nor is it the foreground of our bond. We find our way along as much as possible from a simple reverence for our experience. The very idea of relationship, so heavy with assumptions, preconceived idealistic notions and unspoken requirements, is not useful, and we seem to travel lighter without it.

To the extent that we have a shared perspective, it was born out of our experience of deep humility. By deep humility we mean the feeling of being stripped bare of all pretense of being knowledgeable or competent, as sometimes happens in the face of a profound loss or failure. In this raw nakedness, an unrehearsed prayer might arise spontaneously, acknowledging the limitations of one’s own will and asking for help from that which is beyond. Both of us know this experience of surrender, which also reveals an essential presence that is infinitely more nurturing and supportive than our personalities could ever be.

Somehow through this nakedness we have each understood and experienced the nature of love not as an emotional exchange between two separate people, but as the underlying fabric of existence itself. Neither of us can explain this intellectually, but it is a shared, intuitive vision at the foundation of our relating. Yet, despite an extraordinary sense of freedom and intimacy, this insight does not provide a one-way ticket out of the wild and unpredictable experience of being human.

Our experiences of the beauty of this surrender influence how we approach sometimes challenging situations that arise between us. Inevitably our individual points of view assert themselves over dirty dishes on the counter or food scraps in the backseat of the “nice” car, as well as more substantial issues. Either way, we don’t characterize tensions in our relational space as fundamentally real or concrete, as this would only lead to highly charged interpretations about things that don’t really matter. Instead, we gently explore the actual experience itself and seek to find from where a particular tension is arising and what insights it might reveal, always against the backdrop of a larger presence that is not invested in the outcome of our dilemmas.

In these explorations, we discover aspects of our being that resist this full sweet surrender and have not yet been penetrated by the presence of this love without boundaries. We find tendencies to hold on to patterns of hurt and frustration and to persist in asserting our points of view, but with a little creative inquiry these tend to resolve themselves and pass away. Sometimes a similar challenge will arise again, but rather than linking similar situations together as a continuous story, instead we consider each opportunity freshly in its own moment.

Those issues that continue to stalk us invite a deeper exploration both individually and together, which has been happening in real time during our writing of this article. The fact that an issue persists is evidence that we have not yet touched the core of something with the light of awareness. These situations demand respect for their timing and manner of unfolding. We are simply willing to be uncomfortable, to hold the tension of the unknown, and to embrace the reality of what is coming whether we like it or not.

The process of relational inquiry can be challenging and unsettling — we feel things that are off in ourselves and in our partners, we may not even be conscious enough to know what we feel, and sometimes to share one’s experience can feel like a huge risk. For us the push of consciousness is to keep going deeper and to claim more of our true being, which often unfolds in small increments and sometimes by sudden leaps and bounds.

We’re not aiming to attain some state where we have it all mastered, but instead we embrace exactly the opposite. Our relational enigmas continually undo any sense of our having it together, being the one in charge, or asserting a point of view about how things should be. Instead, we enter deeply into the joys and agonies of being alive together and let them work on us, open us and deliver us unprotected, humble and trembling, into a fuller understanding of love.

Jeannie Zandi and Michael Regan, sometimes together, sometimes solo, meet with groups to explore the nature of awakening and the beauty of the human experience. They can be reached at jeannie@taosnet.com and info@michaelregan.us.





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Staying True to Love When Things Get Tough It’s become a Sun tradition that every February we explore the element of love. Over the years we’ve presented a number of different writers describing the many flavors and aspects of love as they’ve experienced it. This time we were curious to get down to the day-to-day nitty-gritty of how couples face and deal with the things they find difficult in their relationship. Difficulty could encompass anything from someone’s failure to take out the garbage without constant reminding to a partner’s or one’s own addiction, differing viewpoints, or anything else that might get in the way and create obstacles. All three pairs who volunteered were asked to write their piece together, which might be a challenging task in and of itself. Full of courage they dove in, and what follows are their unique perspectives and responses. Love in the Limelight by Dr. Catherine and Rev. Bernardo Monserrat We have learned that love is more than a feeling — it is a behavior. On a practical level, we have had to work hard to protect our love, prioritizing the relationship and making clear agreements regarding our time together, especially separating home life and work life. e first met each other 32 years ago when we were in graduate school and became connected by our similar philosophical and spiritual quests. This was aided by a strong mutual physical attraction that has lasted to this day. Like most couples, we have faced the challenges of childrearing, financial concerns, intimacy, connectedness and extended family. Last summer, we joyfully celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary with our two children and three grandchildren. Fortunately, we share a similar viewpoint regarding the meaning and purpose of life. This has helped us through many difficult times. We enjoy spending time together as playmates and friends. Our commitment to each other, our relationship and our personal growth has been the cornerstones of our relationship. Shortly after we married, Bernardo announced that he had been “called to the ministry.” Having grown up with a number of ministers’ families, Catherine was well acquainted with the challenges and demands of this lifestyle. Bernardo’s news created quite a dilemma within her. On the one hand, she wanted to support him. On the other, she feared what impact his profession would have on their children, their lifestyle and ultimately, their marriage. She did not relish the idea of feeling confined by a role or a religious philosophy. The first years of our marriage were spent learning each other’s communication styles, accommodating family patterns and raising the children. This created a foundation upon which we could discuss the challenges we would face once Bernardo entered the ministry. He decided to enter ministerial school after the children had finished high school. While he was studying, Catherine worked on her PhD in clinical psychology. When we had completed our studies, we carefully chose where we would exercise our professions. We picked Santa Fe because of its charm and the proximity to family and the culture in which we were both raised. Bernardo became the senior minister at the Religious Science Center, while Catherine started a private therapy practice and teaching career. Living in Santa Fe as a “minister couple” has brought challenges that neither of us expected. The ministerial life catapulted us into a public life that has been quite astonishing. Nearly everywhere we go, someone knows us. Our lives seem to be under a microscope. Members of our congregation attribute all sorts of qualities to us, jointly or separately, that are either accurate or not. It is extremely challenging to identify what information to share in public and what to keep private. We have differing perspectives on the issue of privacy, and it has been the subject of repeated discussions. For example, Bernardo often shares personal details in his lectures in order to illustrate a point. Catherine has asked that he consult with her before he talks about her or their marriage. In addition, Catherine has become accustomed to the public exposure that accompanies our lifestyle. We work as a team to preserve our privacy while still fulfilling our professional obligations. Overall our lives flow pretty well, but it has not been easy to get here. In the beginning, Bernardo worked almost every night and had numerous functions on the weekends. He was delighted with his new ministry, but had little time or energy for anything else. Finding an evening to spend together during those first few years was nearly impossible. The relationship came close to starvation. It is said that a minister is “married” to his congregation, and initially that seemed to be true. Catherine also tried to attend everything as well as develop her own professional and personal life. That proved to be both unworkable and exhausting. To address these issues has required tremendous growth on both of our parts. Our upbringing and traditional societal expectations defined our roles as “minister in the limelight” and “minister’s wife as support person.” However, we have discovered that these definitions are no longer applicable. We have each had to discern for ourselves, and as a couple, which of these expectations we can accept and which are not appropriate for us. Clearly, this is an ongoing process, requiring that we remain conscious as life presents new opportunities and new challenges. We have learned that love is more than a feeling — it is a behavior. On a practical level, we have had to work hard to protect our love, prioritizing the relationship and making clear agreements regarding our time together, especially separating home life and work life. We have also learned that it is not possible for both of us to show up for all the events that are presented to us. We let each other know which ones are really important to share and which ones we can attend on our own. This has helped in remaining mutually supportive, while keeping expectations more manageable. At times, our lifestyle is somewhat isolating. Even though we are with people a lot, few have true insight into what the ministerial life entails. Unless someone has walked in these particular shoes, the whole thing can sound a bit bizarre. We have needed perseverance, perspective, faith, respect and humor. And we have needed the support of our close friends! Mostly, we have needed each other. This has left little time for new friendships. Fortunately, our national church holds an annual retreat for ministers and their partners. This group has proved to be an invaluable support system for us both. Though we see these people only once a year, the connections are strong and support is always available. What a relief it is to hear that others are grappling with similar challenges. To find a group with whom we share a common voyage is a precious gift. For Bernardo, pursuing the ministry has been a dream come true. He loves his work and will probably continue to do it in some form until the day he dies. Catherine has grown accustomed to the lifestyle. She, too, has carved out a very satisfying life, filled with meaningful activities and relationships that express her social, professional and spiritual values. We have found a balance between our private and public lives. Most important of all, we remain connected and committed to our number one priority: our loving union. Learning About Happily Ever After by Barbara Doern Drew & Walter Drew We believe we have weathered and even thrived through some of the toughest times largely because we have held the relationship to be sacred, an opportunity to grow individually as well as to take our union with another way beyond where we’d ever ventured before. ur story began 17 years ago when we “accidentally” met in the Albuquerque airport, having the same flights to San Francisco and back three days later. There was a definite fairy-tale element to how it all unfolded over the next few months, and within a year we were married. Since then, we have had two children, now 15 and 13, lived in nine homes, lost jobs, found our true callings in our careers, witnessed the transitions of both our fathers, participated with our children through 10 different school environments; traveled to many interesting places in Central America and the United States; and confronted significant health and financial issues. What started with magic has continued as an enlivening, challenging, multidimensional adventure. A second marriage for us both, we are fiercely devoted to its success. We believe we have weathered and even thrived through some of the toughest times largely because we have held the relationship to be sacred, an opportunity to grow individually as well as to take our union with another way beyond where we’d ever ventured before. Early on, we committed to tell the truth, to work at being conscious, and to support one another in realizing our full potential. We are dedicated to open communication and a mutual intention to not holding on to grudges or anger. We may go to bed with an unresolved issue, but we arise each morning saying a positive affirmation that expresses our love for each other. This context enhances our interactions on a daily basis and provides footholds in times of major stress.
	Barbara: My biggest challenge has been parenting. A “free-spirit” by nature, I zealously avoided children until I had them in my forties — I was uncomfortable with their unpredictability and the commitment I knew they entailed. But upon meeting Walter, I found myself with a new openness. I envisioned an “ideal” family in which everyone got along and had fun — the opposite of much of my own family experience growing up. When our second child was 18 months old, I was unexpectedly laid off from the most fulfilling job I’d ever had, and we mutually decided that I would stay home for a period and be a full-time mother. The children were extremely competitive and fought, it felt to me, incessantly, and were demanding in a way that left no time or energy for any of my personal practices that had renewed me over the years. And then came the sudden onset of menopause — usually decades after caretaking toddlers — all of which plummeted me into a depression from which, try as I might, I could not extricate myself. While I still carried on with all my responsibilities, my essential joie de vivre had disappeared. Walter encouraged me to get counseling, in which he participated when appropriate, and to do things that nourished me such as daily journaling, which became a life raft in an ocean of chaos as I alternated too often between anger and tears. He also created opportunities for us to get away from the relentless demands of the family. When I resignedly agreed to a stint on an antidepressant, he was there by my side, compassionate and patient, and covered for me with the children when I faltered. He supported me in finding ways to bring peace and balance back into my life, and a year and a half later I — and we — emerged the stronger from the experience. I still find parenting to be continually challenging. However, we take each situation as it arises and work through it together, whether struggling with our different parenting styles or how to support and cope with our hormonal teenagers. Walter: Several years ago, the real estate market slowed down. My construction-consulting income dropped; however, our expenses did not. Feelings of inadequacy, poor stewardship and slight panic set in. Access to a home equity loan kept us afloat temporarily. After wrestling with my old thought pattern that I “should” handle this by myself, I sat down with Barbara. We discussed the problem, clarified our values and decided to sell our house to relieve the pressure from the large mortgage. Three weeks later, the house was under contract to be sold. A situation that had all the trappings of personal failure became an opportunity for relationship success. I continue to grapple with finances and am dealing with recently diagnosed congestive heart failure. Those moments when I think I am drowning, Barbara’s support and perspective buoy my spirit, and together we keep on riding the crest of the waves. We have an anniversary ritual of going away on a weekend retreat in which, in addition to treating ourselves to relaxing and revitalizing activities, we examine our relationship on many levels, acknowledging the positive things and looking at the tough ones in a context of love and suspended judgment. We work to sidestep the hurt feelings or anger that could be the result of such frank discussions. We often do a tarot reading and take the wisdom we glean from it back into our busy lives. A most crucial foundation of our relationship is a shared spiritual path. We both regularly use a powerful prayer practice to shed light on difficult situations and to affirm that the highest good is unfolding even when it may not appear to be so in the moment. Counseling — individual, couple and family — has been a very valuable tool for us over the years. Occasionally we will just go for a session or two to assist us in working through a particularly thorny issue. A simple thing that keeps us current and connected is regular weekend morning talks over a good cup of coffee. We get up before the kids, settle into comfortable chairs, and delve into what’s “up” that needs our attention, from the mundane to the weighty. It has been an amazing journey, and we both feel that we are much more whole individuals than when we pledged to join our lives so many years ago and that our relationship continues to deepen and to enrich us. We are in this great adventure of life together for the long haul and are gratefully learning what “living happily ever after” truly means. Sweet Surrender by Jeannie Zandi and Michael Regan We do not speak or think of ourselves as having a relationship, despite the fact of living together with a child (Jeannie’s). For us relationship is not a goal, nor is it the foreground of our bond. We find our way along as much as possible from a simple reverence for our experience. he invitation to write about dealing with struggles in intimate relationship invoked a few epiphanies and challenges that are still speaking to us as we put the final touches on this article. The writing of it took a backseat to all that clamored forth to be acknowledged and experienced by us along the way. As the deadline approached, we respectfully made our way through bringing our two voices together, questioning how much to reveal about our personal histories and situations, what to say and how to say it. In the end, we had to be willing to have no article come forth in order to rediscover how important humility and surrender are for us in the quality of human experience and relating. We do not speak or think of ourselves as having a relationship, despite the fact of living together with a child (Jeannie’s). For us relationship is not a goal, nor is it the foreground of our bond. We find our way along as much as possible from a simple reverence for our experience. The very idea of relationship, so heavy with assumptions, preconceived idealistic notions and unspoken requirements, is not useful, and we seem to travel lighter without it. To the extent that we have a shared perspective, it was born out of our experience of deep humility. By deep humility we mean the feeling of being stripped bare of all pretense of being knowledgeable or competent, as sometimes happens in the face of a profound loss or failure. In this raw nakedness, an unrehearsed prayer might arise spontaneously, acknowledging the limitations of one’s own will and asking for help from that which is beyond. Both of us know this experience of surrender, which also reveals an essential presence that is infinitely more nurturing and supportive than our personalities could ever be. Somehow through this nakedness we have each understood and experienced the nature of love not as an emotional exchange between two separate people, but as the underlying fabric of existence itself. Neither of us can explain this intellectually, but it is a shared, intuitive vision at the foundation of our relating. Yet, despite an extraordinary sense of freedom and intimacy, this insight does not provide a one-way ticket out of the wild and unpredictable experience of being human. Our experiences of the beauty of this surrender influence how we approach sometimes challenging situations that arise between us. Inevitably our individual points of view assert themselves over dirty dishes on the counter or food scraps in the backseat of the “nice” car, as well as more substantial issues. Either way, we don’t characterize tensions in our relational space as fundamentally real or concrete, as this would only lead to highly charged interpretations about things that don’t really matter. Instead, we gently explore the actual experience itself and seek to find from where a particular tension is arising and what insights it might reveal, always against the backdrop of a larger presence that is not invested in the outcome of our dilemmas. In these explorations, we discover aspects of our being that resist this full sweet surrender and have not yet been penetrated by the presence of this love without boundaries. We find tendencies to hold on to patterns of hurt and frustration and to persist in asserting our points of view, but with a little creative inquiry these tend to resolve themselves and pass away. Sometimes a similar challenge will arise again, but rather than linking similar situations together as a continuous story, instead we consider each opportunity freshly in its own moment. Those issues that continue to stalk us invite a deeper exploration both individually and together, which has been happening in real time during our writing of this article. The fact that an issue persists is evidence that we have not yet touched the core of something with the light of awareness. These situations demand respect for their timing and manner of unfolding. We are simply willing to be uncomfortable, to hold the tension of the unknown, and to embrace the reality of what is coming whether we like it or not. The process of relational inquiry can be challenging and unsettling — we feel things that are off in ourselves and in our partners, we may not even be conscious enough to know what we feel, and sometimes to share one’s experience can feel like a huge risk. For us the push of consciousness is to keep going deeper and to claim more of our true being, which often unfolds in small increments and sometimes by sudden leaps and bounds. We’re not aiming to attain some state where we have it all mastered, but instead we embrace exactly the opposite. Our relational enigmas continually undo any sense of our having it together, being the one in charge, or asserting a point of view about how things should be. Instead, we enter deeply into the joys and agonies of being alive together and let them work on us, open us and deliver us unprotected, humble and trembling, into a fuller understanding of love. Jeannie Zandi and Michael Regan, sometimes together, sometimes solo, meet with groups to explore the nature of awakening and the beauty of the human experience. They can be reached at jeannie@taosnet.com and info@michaelregan.us.